It’s been a full year since I drank numerous litre bottles of vodka in a week, a year since, to my despair, I moved back home, and a whole year since I had no commitments or responsibility in the world.
My whole life growing up, I was so eager to be an adult. Independence is a luxury in life, that I’ve always thrived upon. And still do.
So, setting off into the big wide world, leaving university with a degree in hand, I had many expectations, dreams and ambitions. Determined that the world was my oyster and nothing could stop me.
And yet here I am, a year on, sat in my bedroom in my mums house, feeling like a child, not earning enough money to move out, single, binge watching films, and still getting bladdered at any given opportunity.
Where did it all go wrong? I ask myself several times a day. I’m 22, and strive to reach my goals in a split second. But, that’s not reality. And it sucks. Patience is a virtue.
I imagined moving from university would lead me onto the next big stage in life. Instead, I took seven steps back. I’m back home, living in the small village I grew up, where I only like 7 people and my family, everyone knows your life story, or rather think they know it. It’s like looking round a village stuck in time, full of people that were born there and will die there, happily. Their lives never changing. And that scares the life out of me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been extremely lucky to bag a job in the industry I’ve always dreamt of working in. I’ve worked hard and I do deserve it. Sometimes, like right now, I get imposter syndrome and feel like I shouldn’t be allowed my title. I question why I’ve been so lucky, when there’s amazingly talented people out there, who’ve not been given a chance.
The last “relationship”, ah lets just cut the rubbish, “situationship” I had was a good ten months ago. I’ll describe the relationship in one sentence. I once spent the weekend with said boy, who then ignored me for a full two weeks, because he’d “spent too much time with me”. What is wrong with boys and commitment issues? But, since then, I’ve been happy on my own, maybe a bit too happy.
My life consists of working 9-5 Monday- Friday, going to gym classes and an occasional drinks with friends.
And that’s what scares me the most. I have the one think I’ve always feared.
A simple life.
Don’t get me wrong, for some people, my life is probably a dream. I do have everything I need and want. But it’s basic.
I want a life where I run away at the weekends, explore new worlds, try new things (at least once a month), a life that pushes me to face my fears constantly.
My point is, like many 20 something year olds out there, I thought I’d have it all together by now. Gosh, I thought I’d be engaged when I was 23, that’s 6 months away and I can’t even get a boy to date me. Being 20 something sounds so old and together when you’re a teenager, but the reality is no one has it together in their 20s.
Yes, someone might have bought a house, but they’re probably struggling with money, single, or in a job they hate. Someone might’ve got married, who’s to say that won’t end in divorce in five years. Someone moved out of their family home to the city, something you’ve always wanted, who’s to say they won’t lose that job in four months and have to move back to their parents?
Everyone’s at different stages and no one has it together. It’s too easy to think you should be in a different position than you are.
My goal is to start focusing on how far I’ve come in the past year, all the amazing things I’ve achieved, instead of always looking at ways that I’ve stumbled. Everyone has bumps in their journeys and no ones is the same. It’s too easy to compare yourself to friends, family or even people on the internet (news flash, that lifestyle isn’t real!).
It’s time to look at the cup half full.
And this is the first step, doing the one thing I’ve always and will always love; writing.